After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. Shortly after, a very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. Then she said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
And with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and yelled and squealed "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
Then she hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men .
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A blonde, a brunete and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. the blonde had Camels, red head had Malboros and the brunette had Kools. When it began to rain, the brunette and the red head both pulled out a condom and put their cigs in. The blonde asked '' what are you guys doing'' to which they replied '' we are saving them for laters! ''
Impressed, she hurried to the nearest store and asked for a condom. the clerk asked '' what size? small, medium or large?''
Looking confused,she said '' i dont know....one to fit a camel?''
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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what
Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him
just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But
what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."
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Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "fffff! fffff! fffff!", and before he could say "F*!k!", the dog ate him!"
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Little Johnny is walking home from school one day when he sees a prostitute across the street and she waves out him using her pinky finger saying "Heyyyy Johnny!"
This continues on for the rest of the week. On Friday little Johnny walked over to her and asked "Why do you keep waving at me with your pinky?"
The prostitute replies "Because that's how big I think your thing is." Johnny nods and walks off.
The next day the prostitute is across the street and waves with her pinky agian saying "Heyyyy Johnny"
Johnny takes both of his hands and stretches the sides of his mouth and yells "Hey B!tch!"
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LITTLE Johnny
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shat is adorable.
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, little Johnny spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, FOX, and the Cartoon Network!"
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MASTURBATE JOKE
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
Sun Apr 19, 2009 6:05 pm
